Fireworks on the July 4th

Even I am now in America, I still feel far away from it, I don't feel safe, I don't feel relax. And I'm far away from home, far away from familiar culture, where am I.

Last night, I stayed late in SPL, finally only me and another Chinese PhD student. Brunilda came to us and asked us to go outside and enjoy America holiday, she is really a nice lady. She said my visa is protecting me which means my country send me here not for making me sitting in front of the screen tapping all the day, but also learn American culture. She said if I keep lock myself in this B1 floor lab without window, if I keep building a wall between me and non-Chinese speakers, I will feel lonely. The word is touching.

Doc. Hata also recommended me to watch the concert and I really did walk along the Charles River but didn't see much people, where are the celebrators? Walking in the street made me uncomfortable. Is it safe enough to walk alone at night? Will someone show up suddenly and rob me? Do I look dumb? However, finally when I walked to the city hall. I did start feeling dumb. Residence lying by the river chilling in, children running around, so American and so peaceful, but none of them is alone. people were staying in groups that a family is a basic unit or at least a couple. I felt guilty being alone, and I felt stupid when people looked at me. What are they thinking about me, what are they looking for.

(Photo by PROIIP Photo Archive, https://www.flickr.com/photos/iip-photo-archive/42046031411)

"Sup man?" Oh come on, I don't even have confidence to say that.

So today, July the 4th, I don't know how to play at all. I finally figured out that I felt like falling into a guilty trip. I got some feeling that living in America, being alone is a shame. And suddenly, I remember Brunilda's word, she cares if I am lonely.

I always thought that getting used to lonely is a lifelong topic for everyone. For most urban Chinese people in my generation, we born destined to be the only child of the family. When getting older, for those small-town teenagers, taking the test and enter a good university in a big city and leave your hometown far away is a regular routine. Everybody is trained to be alone. Everybody is alone. Then I went to Tokyo, I believe Tokyo is one loneliest city I've ever met and dame, I just such love it!

I think today feeling guilty is a little change, the power of this country. Happy July the 4th. God bless the USA.